5 Parenting Resolutions for the New Year

The new year is upon us, and while I’m a big believer in reflecting on our choices and actions and how they panned out for us, I’m also a big believer in wiping the slate clean and allowing everyone to start fresh. With that mindset, I’ve put together a list of New Years Resolutions for parents. Yes, you should think about what’s worked in the last year and what’s failed, but then move forward into a new year with a commitment to better parenting. I can’t make any promises, but I’m fairly certain that practicing at least some of these will lead to a more peaceful home and a closer family.

  1. Make sure you save time for yourself. There’s a reason this is my number one item on the list. I’m going to give it to you straight: You can’t be a good parent – no matter how hard you try – if you don’t take care of yourself and attend to your own happiness first. Selfish? Not even a little bit. Strong parents make for strong kids.
  2. Decide as a family that you will all spend less time in front of a screen. I just returned from a family trip on a cruise ship, where we all put away our phones for an entire week. Here’s what we got instead: eye contact, uninterrupted conversations, random musings that come when you’re lying in the sun just thinking, and way more memories than selfies. If you want to communicate with your kids, put down the electronics and start talking.
  3. Commit to speaking more kindly to one another. While everyone gets angry, it shouldn’t be acceptable for members of a family to scream at each other on a regular basis, call each other names, say hurtful phrases like “I hate you!” or use profanity towards one another. Family members who respect each other live much more peacefully together. If you wouldn’t talk to your friends a certain way, you shouldn’t talk to your family members that way.
  4. Reserve dinner time as sacred family time. Sit down each night together and share stories of your day. If you’re religious, pray together. Share the dinner chores as a family so that everyone has a role in preparation or clean up. It may sound all Ozzie & Harriet, but families are closer when they covet each other’s presence.
  5. Laugh more, reduce stress, and increase joy. All relationships, whether friends, spouses, or parents and children, need fun and enjoyment to thrive. There may be plenty of pain in this world, but there’s also a great deal of humor to be found in day-to-day circumstances. Help your kids discover the inner joy that will sustain them through tough times by teaching them to find humor in their everyday lives. And just as importantly, quit stressing. Show your kids that gratitude and acceptance are two of the most freeing attitudes they can embody.

Happy New Year, everyone, and I wish you all the best in your parenting in 2020!

For more ideas about bringing your family closer together in the new year, check out Teenagers 101. 

5 Parenting resolutions for the new year

The new year is upon us, and while I’m a big believer in reflecting on our choices and actions and how they panned out for us, I’m also a big believer in wiping the slate clean and allowing everyone to start fresh. With that mindset, I’ve put together a list of New Years Resolutions for parents. Yes, you should think about what’s worked in the last year and what’s failed, but then move forward into a new year with a commitment to better parenting. I can’t make any promises, but I’m fairly certain that practicing at least some of these will lead to a more peaceful home and a closer family.

  1. Make sure you save time for yourself. There’s a reason this is my number one item on the list. I’m going to give it to you straight: You can’t be a good parent – no matter how hard you try – if you don’t take care of yourself and attend to your own happiness first. Selfish? Not even a little bit. Strong parents make for strong kids.
  2. Decide as a family that you will all spend less time in front of a screen. I just returned from a family trip on a cruise ship, where we all put away our phones for an entire week. Here’s what we got instead: eye contact, uninterrupted conversations, random musings that come when you’re lying in the sun just thinking, and way more memories than selfies. If you want to communicate with your kids, put down the electronics and start talking.
  3. Commit to speaking more kindly to one another. While everyone gets angry, it shouldn’t be acceptable for members of a family to scream at each other on a regular basis, call each other names, say hurtful phrases like “I hate you!” or use profanity towards one another. Family members who respect each other live much more peacefully together. If you wouldn’t talk to your friends a certain way, you shouldn’t talk to your family members that way.
  4. Reserve dinner time as sacred family time. Sit down each night together and share stories of your day. If you’re religious, pray together. Share the dinner chores as a family so that everyone has a role in preparation or clean up. It may sound all Ozzie & Harriet, but families are closer when they covet each other’s presence.
  5. Laugh more, reduce stress, and increase joy. All relationships, whether friends, spouses, or parents and children, need fun and enjoyment to thrive. There may be plenty of pain in this world, but there’s also a great deal of humor to be found in day-to-day circumstances. Help your kids discover the inner joy that will sustain them through tough times by teaching them to find humor in their everyday lives. And just as importantly, quit stressing. Show your kids that gratitude and acceptance are two of the most freeing attitudes they can embody.

Happy New Year, everyone, and I wish you all the best in your parenting in 2020!

For more ideas about bringing your family closer together in the new year, check out Teenagers 101. 

Parenting to your child’s love language

“I don’t understand it. I’ve raised both my kids the same way, and they’ve turned out completely different!” I’ve heard this exasperated claim many times. Have you said it yourself?

I remember reading all the parenting books and columns I could get my hands on while raising my son and daughter. I wanted to understand why I got one result when I applied a parenting principle to my son and a completely different result with my daughter. After all, they were raised in the same household, same parents, same rules, same religious foundation, same everything. What was I missing?

One very big factor: They are two entirely different people. Their personalities, perspectives, choices, passions, strengths, weaknesses – all different. Yet I was treating them the same, thinking “same” was a synonym for “fair.” It isn’t.

Being fair is being judicious, with consistent rules and consequences. Your son shouldn’t get to stay out later than your daughter. Your daughter shouldn’t do more chores than your son. And discipline for one shouldn’t be more extreme than the other.

But with different personalities, values and interests, your children shouldn’t be treated the same, any more than you treat all your friends or family members the exact same way. As adults, we’ve recognized that other adults respond differently to statements, actions, and expressions of love. We adapt our behavior and expectations accordingly.

Look at marriage. Is your spouse just like you? I’ve been married almost 31 years and I’m here to tell you, my husband and I are very different people. Yet we cohabitate peacefully, resolve differences quickly, and enjoy each other’s company. And we have a deep love for one another that hasn’t faded.

But how does that translate to our relationship to our children? Well, think about the Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman’s philosophy about how to relate to those who aren’t like us. He says that everyone has a Love Language, a way that they are most receptive to love, leading to cooperation and returned affection. Just as adults have love languages, children do too. And knowing their love language is tantamount to some of the best parenting principles out there.

The five Love Languages – Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gift Giving, and Acts of Service – represent how a person sees and feels love. For children of all ages, it looks like this

  1. Physical Touch – Hugs and kisses, sitting in close proximity, wrestling, back scratches, placing your hand on your child’s when talking, high-fiving, and snuggling all help these kids feel your love. While these same actions with another child can cause discomfort or embarrassment, the child who craves physical touch will count on it as a way to view your love.
  2. Words of Affirmation – You will know this is your child’s love language when their motivation and satisfaction grow as a result of verbal praise and recognition. These kids need to hear “I love you” and need you to tell them you’re proud of them. But be careful! They will quickly recognize false praise, as they are attuned to words and tone. Likewise, negative words cut to the core. So be sincere in your dialog and solve disputes through calm discussion, and they will respond!
  3. Quality Time – While all of us need human interaction and crave acceptance from others, kids who fall in this category base their view of relationships primarily on the amount and quality of time you spend with them. As you can imagine, these kids struggle when the two most important people in their lives are constantly at work or busy with other endeavors. It’s not that you need to be with them all the time, it’s that when you are, it needs to be about them, not about your phone, other people, or any other distractions. When they speak, look them directly in the eyes and give them your full attention. Make them feel that when you’re together, it’s only about the two of you.
  4. Giving gifts – These kids are thoughtful. It brings them joy to make others happy through gift giving. They put time and effort into their gifts because to them, giving to others is a true sign of love. In return, they gauge others’ love for them by the same measure. But don’t mistake expensive for valuable. What they are looking for is an understanding of who they are, what they like, and what brings them happiness. This can include homemade gifts, cookies baked just for them, or a handwritten card expressing your pride in their accomplishment.
  5. Acts of Service – No, these children do not expect you to be their servant, but they will feel the most loved when you serve them in a different way. Hosting their friends at your house; doing something when they ask you to do it, not in your own time; and making them feel valued by treating them respectfully, are all ways you can perform acts of service. Again, price is not a factor here. Stopping for a milkshake just because your daughter craves one is a small act that will bring big love rewards.

Figuring out who your children are and what makes them tick is the first step in knowing how to speak to them in the language that they appreciate. When that happens, the fact that your children are different will be a blessing rather than a curse.

How to empower your kids against bullies

Bullies have been around for as long as we can remember, but their prominence in the news is like nothing we’ve ever seen before. Throwing a punch and calling a name has been replaced with a much more sophisticated form of torture, one that is relentless and sometimes drives its victims to suicide.

Bullycide is the new term created to encompass the many children and teens who have committed suicide as a way to escape bullying. The fact that we have coined this term speaks volumes about where we are as a society and how important it is for parents to be aware of this danger. Bullying has changed quite a bit since we were kids, and the results can be devastating.

No longer is bullying confined to isolated spaces and incidents. The days of stealing lunch money or shoving someone into a locker have passed and students can no longer look forward to the end of the school day to escape their tormentors. Home is no longer the sanctuary it used to be, as social media and the Internet infiltrate every aspect of our lives. Now, when a student faces embarrassment, it is broadcast to the world and relived over and over again.

As with other forms of abuse, the victims hesitate to tell anyone what they are facing or feeling. Only 40% of bullying victims tell anyone or seek help, which means as parents, you need to be aware of the signs that something isn’t right with your kids. Below are some pointers for recognizing signs of bullying and dealing with them before they push your kids to hopelessness.

  1.  Do NOT respect your kids’ “privacy” on social media. The very idea of social media being private is absurd. Don’t let your kids guilt you into feeling that an Instagram account is like a diary. The two have nothing in common. A diary is a place where one writes their private feelings, whereas social media, well, is social. Whatever is out there is out there for public consumption, and you, dear parents, are the public. If everyone else can see it, you should be seeing it.
  2. Note changes in your child’s behavior and day-to-day habits. Look particularly for changes in eating (either not eating or bingeing) and sleeping (too much sleeping is a sign of depression, too little is a sign of stress). Are grades suddenly dropping? Does your child seem to lack confidence and have a great deal of self-doubt? Is your child avoiding social situations that she once enjoyed? All of these signs are potential red flags that something or someone is affecting your child negatively. Pay attention and don’t ignore these signs.
  3. Keep the lines of communication open. Ask questions and listen. Inquire about specific friends. Note your child’s change of behavior and discuss it with them. Know and talk to your child’s friends to see if there is something you should know. Be careful to ask with concern but not paranoia. Friends will stay tight-lipped when they fear betraying a friend’s trust, but if you ask with clear concern and love, good friends will share in an effort to help.
  4. Watch for signs that your child could be a bully. These include aggression, getting into trouble at school, hanging around with kids who bully, an excessive focus on self-image, and a high level of competitiveness. If your child is quick to anger and his first reaction involves hurting others in some way, whether physical or emotional, he may be a bully. If he fails to take responsibility for his actions and is always looking to blame others when he is in trouble, you will want to keep a very close eye on his interactions with his peers.
  5. Remember that today’s bullying is oftentimes anonymous. This makes it even worse for the victims, as they have no idea who is going after them on social media and what this person has against them. Psychologically, it’s devastating. The victim begins to question his relationships; he wonders if he can ever trust his friends. Without a clear person or reason behind the bullying, he is left to agonize over the who and why. As parents, you can step in and utilize the resources you have – the school, the police, anti-bullying organizations – to identify online predators and put a stop to their bullying.
  6. Work constantly to help your children develop self-respect and confidence. We’ve all dealt with mean people who set out to hurt us. Whether or not we become a victim, however, is largely up to us. As parents, teach your kids their worth so that when someone else questions it, they know exactly who they are and how unimportant that person’s opinion is. Bullies tend to prey on the vulnerable, so do everything you can to strengthen your kids and let them know that their worth comes from within. When they refuse to allow others to diminish their worth, they will have stopped the bullies in their tracks.

Helping kids cope with tragedy

I sit here reading yet another story about a tragic school shooting, one where young lives were taken well before their time and other young lives must continue with shadows of the tragedy plaguing them for decades to come. It’s a depressing reality that our kids are in danger, not just from drugs, unprotected sex, and recklessness, but from other kids with guns.

It’s also a sad reality that kids are moved through our school systems with obvious social and mental issues and that these same kids have access to guns. They see other school shootings and envision them as glorified, thereby feeding their need for notoriety. The cycle continues, and our children are the victims.

Perhaps the saddest reality of all is that the teenage years have just become a whole lot harder. While uncomfortable parent-teen conversations have been around since Mike from the Brady Bunch had to explain the birds and the bees, how in the world do we talk to our children about the violence that has permeated what was once a safe place?

  1. We can begin by getting ourselves straight first. If we approach our children with fear and anxiety, we will build fear and anxiety within them. Talk to your spouse and your friends about the madness, vent your fears and frustrations, then pull it together for your kids. They will take their cue from you. They will be fearful of those things for which you have instilled fear. So present a calm demeanor that will leave the lines of communication open so you can…
  2. Just listen. You may prompt your children by asking if their friends or teachers are talking about the shootings, and then let them share their perceptions. Based on their tone, their level of anxiety, and their perspective, you can then determine how to respond. If your teens seem especially agitated, help them to put their fear into perspective. In reality,  the odds of a school shooting are still small and school still remains a safe haven for the vast majority of students in America. Help your kids see that while these events comprise the headlines for every news media outlet out there, statistically speaking, they are not something to fear on a daily basis.
  3. In listening to your kids, you’ll probably notice that most put themselves in the position of the students at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School. They imagine what they would do in a similar position. Would they bravely stand up and put their life on the line for their peers? Would they run? Would they hide? Would they try to wrestle the gun from the shooter? It is natural for kids to imagine themselves in the situation and sometimes take on the persona of the hero. So ask them: What do you think you would do? Listen carefully to their response. Then talk them through their options, the smart and best ways to respond in emergency situations. Use these tragedies as an opportunity to educate and plan.

It’s hard to find something positive in such a horrible tragedy as a school shooting.  Perhaps one constructive outcome to come out of these nightmares is that they force us to self-reflect, as a nation, as a public school system, and as parents. Are we doing enough to keep our kids safe? What can we do to end these tragedies?

 

Young love is indeed real

It is the month of romance and love and many will celebrate with fancy dinners, roses, and chocolates. If you’re like me, you’ll treat Valentines Day like any other day except that you’ll make a point of staying home to avoid the mad restaurant rush, the pink and red balloons, and the inflated prices on everything. It’s not that I’ve lost that lovin feeling; it’s just that after 30 years of marriage, being told when to be romantic just doesn’t work for me anymore.

If you have teenagers, however, especially teenagers who have a boyfriend or girlfriend, Valentines Day is anything but old hat. Teens look toward this day with either dread or hopes reaching fantasy level, depending on their relationship status. Valentines Day, when you’re a teenager in love, is a statement to the world and validation so many of them need that someone has chosen to love them, that they are the lucky ones.

Therefore, as parents, you shouldn’t minimize or tease them about their relationships. Nor should you tell them they are incapable of being truly in love, no matter how much you believe that, and no matter how many personal experiences you can share. Have you ever noticed your reaction when someone forewarns you based on their experience? Your initial reaction, if you’re like most humans, is to think to yourself, Well, that was their experience. Mine is different. We always think we’re the exception, rather than the rule.

Teenagers, especially, without the benefit of fully developed frontal lobes that allow them to see the whole picture or fully understand the consequences of their actions, generally dive in, head first. Impulsivity and recklessness are hallmarks of the teenage world. The same applies to romance. In their minds, your story is not their story. You can’t possibly understand the level of their connection with their boyfriend/girlfriend. They are in love. It’s real.

They know it’s real because they feel the extreme emotions that come with love. They feel hurt, they feel joy, they feel that wonderful sense of togetherness. Their hormones are on fire, clouding their judgment. They are experiencing – in real life – everything they have seen on the movie screen or read about in books. They are giddy with love.

So imagine what it does to them, and to their feelings about you, when you dismiss all of this by telling them they can’t possibly be in love. They don’t know what love is, you tell them. They’re too young to love. Imagine how condescending that must sound to them. And imagine how likely they’ll be to talk to you about matters of love again.

It is extremely important to your parent-child relationship that you acknowledge your teen’s feelings and understand they are very real. You don’t have to encourage teen love, but when your child finds it, or thinks he finds it, you should listen. Try to be happy he’s happy. Ask questions such as What do you like about her? What do you enjoy doing together? What makes her different from other girls?

Then sit back and listen to what your child tells you not only about this person he’s drawn to, but about himself, what he’s looking for, and what makes him happy. Don’t judge and don’t ask a hundred questions about the girlfriend’s family, grades, and interests. And whatever you do, don’t smirk and tell him he is too young to be in a relationship or to love someone. It’s too late for that by the time you find out about it. He’s already in it and he won’t willingly leave it.

It’s true that if parents attempt to break up a young couple, they usually succeed in driving the couple closer together. It’s the whole Romeo and Juliet thing. So instead, stay informed by keeping your relationship with your kids solid and the lines of communication open. Be respectful of your kids’ feelings and decisions, and they will come to you on their own for advice and counsel.

And remember, “real” is relative. Love is as real as it gets in the teenage mind, so be patient, understanding, and supportive as your teens navigate the rocky road of romance.

For more advice about parenting teens, check out Teenagers 101.

 

Teaching kids to be proactive

We’re all familiar with the concept of proactive versus reactive responses.  A proactive approach anticipates and seeks to avoid potential problems or obstacles. A reactive approach waits for problems to arise and then deals with them as they occur. As it turns out, both can be beneficial, but while knowledge should be gained from mistakes and difficult processes, stress can be reduced by avoiding them in the first place.

This is where teens and children really need the help of adults. Children are already at a disadvantage with an undeveloped frontal lobe that hinders their ability to see long-term, to think about the consequences of their actions, or to plan ahead. That’s why we often shake our heads and ask, “What were they thinking?” when it comes to this age group. They weren’t. They haven’t learned to be proactive, to consider that what they are doing now matters to their future.

Enter mom and dad. You have a lifetime of experience and you’ve oftentimes wished you would have thought things through before making a big decision or taking an action you later regretted. You want your kids to benefit from your experience, especially since being proactive crosses many domains, including school work, goal setting, and preparedness for activities, sports, and other extra-curriculars. It’s important that they get it now, or they may face much unnecessary hardship down the road.

So how can you prepare your kids to be prepared? Think about this:

  • Kids need to have goals. What’s the point? What are they working toward? Why are they participating? Do grades matter? Unbelievably, we fail to talk to kids about these big questions. We put them in activities, send them off to school, and encourage them to join clubs, but never tell them how they’re going to benefit themselves or others through their participation. Kids needs to know how today’s behaviors affect their future. If they don’t, they will go into everything with a short-sighted attitude and therefore, a lack of internal motivation. They will question working hard on something, and making sacrifices for it, if they don’t see the value.
  • Kids need to know that every action has a consequence. Science teaches us that for every action, there is a reaction. Every decision or indecision, both good and bad, leads to an outcome. Kids struggle with understanding this concept, even as they age and go on to college. Witness some of the behavior of young twenty-somethings and there’s no doubt that they still haven’t grasped the concept of consequences. But the sooner you talk to your kids about this, the better chance you have of getting through. Discuss how a decision about homework, or quitting a team, or running for office will have long-term implications. Have your kids walk through various scenarios and really think through each decision they make.
  • Kids need to realize that staying ahead of the game is easier than playing catch up. Every person alive has let a job or responsibility slip and then scrambled at the last minute to try to minimize the damage. And every person alive has dealt with the repercussions of procrastination. Teaching your kids to work ahead and to plan their schedules will positively impact every area of their lives. As I tell my students, “If you control your schedule, it won’t control you.”
  • Kids need to experience how good it feels to be proactive. Once kids begin to plan, work toward goals, and think through decisions, they will see a noticeable change in their lives. They will experience less stress and their confidence will grow as they gain control of their responsibilities. Research shows that kids crave structure, rules, and boundaries. Recording homework in a school agenda, breaking large assignments down and working on them each night, and keeping a personal calendar of upcoming events are all ways kids create structure in their lives. Positive results breed internal motivation, so the more proactive kids are, the more motivated they become to take control of and responsibility for their decisions.

Of course, the best way to teach kids to become proactive is to demonstrate it in your own life. Teach by example and show your kids that foreseeing obstacles and planning ahead is always better than dealing with the aftermath of a failure that could have been avoided.

For one-on-one help with your teens, check out Teenager Success 101. For more tips like these, read Teenagers 101