Helping kids cope with tragedy

I sit here reading yet another story about a tragic school shooting, one where young lives were taken well before their time and other young lives must continue with shadows of the tragedy plaguing them for decades to come. It’s a depressing reality that our kids are in danger, not just from drugs, unprotected sex, and recklessness, but from other kids with guns.

It’s also a sad reality that kids are moved through our school systems with obvious social and mental issues and that these same kids have access to guns. They see other school shootings and envision them as glorified, thereby feeding their need for notoriety. The cycle continues, and our children are the victims.

Perhaps the saddest reality of all is that the teenage years have just become a whole lot harder. While uncomfortable parent-teen conversations have been around since Mike from the Brady Bunch had to explain the birds and the bees, how in the world do we talk to our children about the violence that has permeated what was once a safe place?

1. We can begin by getting ourselves straight first. If we approach our children with fear and anxiety, we will build fear and anxiety within them. Talk to your spouse and your friends about the madness, vent your fears and frustrations, then pull it together for your kids. They will take their cue from you. They will be fearful of those things for which you have instilled fear. So present a calm demeanor that will leave the lines of communication open so you can…
2. Just listen. You may prompt your children by asking if their friends or teachers are talking about the shootings, and then let them share their perceptions. Based on their tone, their level of anxiety, and their perspective, you can then determine how to respond. If your teens seem especially agitated, help them to put their fear into perspective. In reality,  the odds of a school shooting are still small and school still remains a safe haven for the vast majority of students in America. Help your kids see that while these events comprise the headlines for every news media outlet out there, statistically speaking, they are not something to fear on a daily basis.
3. In listening to your kids, you’ll probably notice that most put themselves in the position of the students at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School. They imagine what they would do in a similar position. Would they bravely stand up and put their life on the line for their peers? Would they run? Would they hide? Would they try to wrestle the gun from the shooter? It is natural for kids to imagine themselves in the situation and sometimes take on the persona of the hero. So ask them: What do you think you would do? Listen carefully to their response. Then talk them through their options, the smart and best ways to respond in emergency situations. Use these tragedies as an opportunity to educate and plan.

It’s hard to find something positive in such a horrible tragedy as a school shooting.  Perhaps one constructive outcome to come out of these nightmares is that they force us to self-reflect, as a nation, as a public school system, and as parents. Are we doing enough to keep our kids safe? What can we do to end these tragedies?